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Funny Quotes (Author: Unknown)

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." * Roseanne

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" * Sean Connery

"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it." * Bill Cosby

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" * Elayne Boosler

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." * George Clooney

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." * Rod Stewart

"The problem with being the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." * Jeff Bridges

"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." * Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods

(On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." * Yasir Arafat (PLO leader)

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never
experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." * Bruce Willis

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people, don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people, don't blame everything on Satan." * George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." * Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." * Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." * Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" * Arnold Schwarzenegger

"No wonder Al Gore thinks he is president - this is a most confusing time. The leading rap singer is white, the world's best golfer is black, and Bill Clinton just got back from Vietnam." * Paul Harvey

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