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New Virus Warnings (Author: Unknown)

BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Causes complete meltdown of system, then says it feels your pain.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system just before the whole thing quits.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files reported as the same size.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: Thinks it would be a great virus, but refuses to run.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my new files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known but doesn't do anything. Secretly you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later--in another directory.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS A: Computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message on each half blaming the other half for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS B: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all of your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: Revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending virus attack once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

ADAM & EVE VIRUS: Takes a few bytes out of your Apple: then gives you a lot of information that you really didn't want to know.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shutdown whenever it wants to.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 2000 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your program can never be found again.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly changing its appearance.

AT&T VIRUS: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much money for the AT&T Virus.

GALLUP POLL VIRUS: 60%of the PC's infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time (+/-3.5% margin of error)

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure its bigger than any other file.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every three minutes to ask for money.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places no virus has gone before.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

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