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More Oneliners (Author: Unknown)

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

He who hesitates is probably right.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the x ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is in proportion to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Don't sweat petty things, and don't pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money cant buy love.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Half the people you know are below average.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just ran out of film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Wear short sleeves: support your right to bear arms.

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

Ok, so what is the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: they are making headlines.

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