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Stephen Wrightisms (Author: Unknown)

* I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another
sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made
myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
* A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I
said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When
you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car
just takes right off. And see this thing [points to the steering
wheel]? This steers it."
* Every so often I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.
* In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be an odd number.
* While I was gone, somebody rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. They
put it in _exactly_ the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he
said, "Do I know you?"
* When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then
put the kid in and run around looking frantic.
* When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he
didn't obey.
* A child's mind is a terrible thing not to mess with!
* I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries.... but they weren't
included. So I had to buy them again.
* I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire
neighborhood was gone
* I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to
the funeral in one car.
* I once put instant coffee in a microwave and it went back in time.
* I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a
while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
* I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... now he's gone.
* I have a map of the United States, it says "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile" It
took me all summer to fold it.
* I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2 inches taller.
* I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
* Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I
thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
* I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find
tractors small enough to fit it.
* I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

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