Humor Database
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Taglines (Author: Unknown)
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
"Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "A 2x4, sir??"
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
'Conclusion': the place where you got tired of thinking
"Ensign Pillsbury? He's BREAD, Jim!"
"Facts are stupid things" - R. Reagan
"I am a doughnut." --John F. Kennedy
"Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition" --Intel
"Oops." -- Richard Nixon
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" - Freud
"The abstract means nothing to me!" Rorschach.
"This sentence no verb." - Douglas R. Hofstader
$$$$$$$$ Money is the root of all wealth $$$$$$$$
**FLASH** Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Time is forever -- a diamond is only temporary
-- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw! --
--- A naked man fears no pickpocket ---
"...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped."-- Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail
1 + 2 = 3; Therefore, 4 + 5 = 6.
1991 - The Year of the Palindrome
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
2 wrongs don't make a right - but 3 lefts do!
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, Hmmm.....
3 x 10^8 m/s. Not just a good idea, it's the law
6 x 9 = 42 base 13
A .45 beats a royal flush EVERY TIME.
A classic is a book that is praised but not read.
A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket. An optimist smells flowers and looks for the manure.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A fool and his money are my best friends!
One nuclear war can ruin your whole day...
A stumble may prevent a fall.
A wok is what you throw at a wabbit.
Advice is usually worth what it cost.
All animals are equal, some more than others. -- Animal Farm, by George Orwell
All generalizations are false.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix; please don't drink and derive!
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
Always forgive your enemies. They -HATE- that!
And if Iraq's primary export was broccoli?
As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716...
At least egotists don't talk about other people.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization!
Atheistic dyslexics don't believe in dog.
Baby Philosophy - If it stinks, change it.
Being paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T out to get you!
Biochemists Wear Designer Genes.
C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
CAUTION: INCORRIGIBLE PUNSTER! DON'T INCORRIGE
Can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Canada: C Eh? N Eh? D Eh?
Chemists never die -- they just stop reacting.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Computers All Wait at the Same Speed!
Constants aren't; variables don't.
Coup de grace -- French for lawn mower?
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law.
Deadlines amuse me.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down...
Despite of the cost of living, it remains popular.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Difference between a virus & windows? Viruses never fail.
Divorce is not an effective deterrent to marriage.
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
Dumb Questions are better than smart mistakes!
Ettore's law: the other line always moves faster.
Even a small star shines brightly in the dark.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Feminist theologians say that God is female;
What about the devil? What about her??
FORFEIT: What most animals stand on.
Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it. -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams
Friction can be a drag sometimes...
Genius has its limits, but not stupidity.
Give a man an inch, and he thinks he's a ruler.
Go ahead, jump. 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
Great minds discuss ideas; Small ones, people
Guns don't kill. Fast-moving projectiles do.
Have you hugged a porcupine today?
Health is the slowest possible rate to die.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Heredity: If your parents had no kids, you probably won't either.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hire teenagers while they still know everything.
How can I fail when I have no purpose???
I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I am going to live forever, or die trying!
I am not arguing with you; I am telling you.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I found the tests quite elementary. - Data
I had my head examined. They didn't find *anything*!
I practice moderation to excess.
I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!
I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.
I want a warm bed and a kind word -- and unlimited power.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'll get to it on the 2nd Tuesday of next week.
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
I'm not arrogant, I'm RIGHT!
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If it's stupid and it works - it's not stupid
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If we don't succeed, we increase our chances at failure.
If your mind goes blank, remember to turn off the sound.
In fact, I DON'T put my pants on one leg at a time
Iraqi Bingo: B-52... F-16... M-1... F-18... F-117...
It behooves us to avoid archaisms.
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!!
It was all so different before everything changed.
It's nice to do nothing and then rest afterwards.
Last minute is always the most productive!
Life: ....Is anything that dies when you stomp it.
Lightning & elephants do as they damn please!
Locks only keep honest people out.
Lots of things are easy when you know the answer.
Monday is a bad way to spend 1/7 of your life
Money is the root of all evil - send $9.95 for more information.
Money talks - mine always says "Goodbye".
Monotheism is a gift from the gods.
More than 3 fonts on that newsletter and you die!
My mistakes are purely erroneous.
Never lose your sense of the superficial.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one'll do.
Non-Trekkies of the world-- GET A FUTURE!!
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be!
Nothing's IMPOSSIBLE to those that don't have to do it.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Pardon me, but your shoe is ringing... -- Get Smart
People who live in glass houses shouldn't.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is definitively accurate;
reality is frequently wrong.
Reasoning, Circular: See Circular Reasoning
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
Small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Steroids, the breakfast of champions
Tact is for weenies.
Talk is cheap - Because supply exceeds demand.
The truth, however, is not pertinent to the issue.
Time is an illusion. Lunch-time doubly so.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL!
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Try not to unnecessarily or excessively split infinitives
Ultimate oxymoron: "Microsoft Works"
Unbreakable toys are good for breaking other toys.
Unless you can see black then white has no meaning.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Vuja De - The Feeling You've Never Been Here
Walk softly and carry a fully charged PHASER!
Walls impede my progress.
Was Sigmund Freud the Wizard of Id?
We have standards and expect you not to exceed them.
We have the ANSWER? ..Now! What is the question?
We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
Welcome to last years meeting of the Procrastinators Club...
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Whatever it is, I'm against it! - Groucho Marx
When all else fails, follow instructions...
When in doubt, do as the doubters do.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it! -- Yogi Bera
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Windows: From the people who brought you the 640K limit
With a calendar your days are numbered!
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
XEROX never comes up with something original.
They're cousins, identical cousins...
Cat-- The Other White Meat
This tagline is umop episdn.
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