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Funny Shorts (Author: Unknown)

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There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is,
it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... Energy
efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust.

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the
attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young
man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last
minute to get ready for a long trip. The minister chuckled, "I know what
you mean. It's the same in my business."

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Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce
10 commandments.

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Somebody said that there are only two kinds of people in the world: those who wake up and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a
note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10
times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR
TRESPASSES.

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note. I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.

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A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it
a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give
him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a
few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight
people to collect all the money!"

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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the
men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way
his mother cooked.

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I
don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

======================================================

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

======================================================

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby
sitter."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the
week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
"Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my
side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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And last but not least.....

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

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