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Church bulletin bloopers (Author: Unknown)

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is
done.

4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.

7) Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM.
Please use the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

11) The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

17) The music for today's service was all composed by George
Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his
birth.

18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.

20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.
Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full
choir.

24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Reverend
Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better.

26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

27) Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.

28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary...

30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.

33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.

And an original...
Announcement from the Pulpit by the Associate Pastor:

"Please keep a close watch on your children as they play outside.
Several snakes have been seen around the edge of the woods... " (then
without skipping a beat) "Our Easter egg hunt is this Saturday here
at the church...!

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